SATIN DOLL

Most people talk about love like it’s something essential in the world. A force they should not reckon with no matter what.

Call me crazy, but I believe love is a thing from the past. I left it in time of my childhood and teenage years. Life just became so busy giving me blessings one after another; but all of those are for my thriving career as an owner of a small events firm. Not much anything about love.

To heck with Daisy Buchanan’s idea of how a woman should be. Being a beautiful little fool is not the best thing a girl can be. I don’t want to follow her footsteps – losing the best man for her in that story.

Come to think of it… Maybe I did?

I was once a fool and still a disappointment. If you insist, I have this story from the past that prevents me to get in touch with my emotional side… Okay, romantic side nowadays. This is a story as to why my heart never took over my mind for the past years.

A story 17 years ago, that was in 1992, when I was just another cheerful, playful 10 year old girl. Everything was all fun and games that time. Elementary classes in the morning, cartoons and outdoor games in the afternoon. Always the competitive one in both; It’s a lively time, full of energy and imagination – the world is our playground.

Not that all of that ends in this story of mine. It’s just that I discovered and learned more.

To start with, my dad works as an architect in London. Not always easy to get in touch with him, so I just cherished the time we had whenever he comes home. As a child, I always look forward for his presence, the hugs and kisses, smile on his face, knowing that he’s alright. Oh yeah- I forgot to mention, his presents from London too add the thrill of seeing him again.

For the 11th time he came back home, he’s with a guy I’ve never met before. His name is Leo, a half-Filipino half-British apprentice architect from my dad’s workplace. He’s 24 years old and quite charming – and will stay in our house for a while.

Leo was some sort of a big brother figure for me. He tried to be friendly with me by being my tutor and playmate, so I did comply. I don’t know what got into me; my feelings became perplex and suddenly I craved for his attention.

As a kid, I’m not really well aware how to get a man’s attention so all the efforts I did were child’s play. I tried practicing flute from our Music class so that I could play some songs for him whenever I’m home. I also became artistic, trying to draw something great in Art class so that I could show him my talent. You could say that I performed really well in my class just so I could show Leo my grades.

He became an unintentional inspiration for my studies. I was just so caught up with the need to impress him as always. Two months came really fast and it’s time for them to leave the Philippines.

I’m not even that sad and bothered with him leaving; but there’s this thing about me needing him. All I know is that the moment he leaves, I know I’ll crave his attention.

– Veronica (June 2011)

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